Learning To Shut up and Listen

For as long as I can remember I have always been a people pleaser. One that goes so far out of her way to please another person that I sacrifise my own needs and happiness. If I was to point out somebodys flaws or things that bothered me. than that would make them mad at me and in my head i would not want anyone to be mad at me or disappointed in me so it has been very hard to finally say whats important to me to people and say what I need or dont like because even if it bothers that person , I have to think of myself first like other people can do. Maybe I get so defensive when i hear neg things about me because again i don’t want to disappoint them. I spent my whole childhood trying to make my dad proud of me..I tried so hard just to be good enough… and it never was enough. He called me a dumbass on a regular basis not knowing it was affecting me, but it was ..i didn’t do to college cuz my dad said i didn’t need to go and nobody else went our family so why the hell do you want to go Susie? you couldn’t even handle high school you dumbass… so 3 years ago  I was still trying to make my dad proud.. and i was still not good enough. I finally realized Im done. I can not make my dad happy enough or proud enough in anything I do or say.. I just need to love my dad for who he is and accept our relationship as it is today. Unfortunately my dad is Angry and still thinks that because i m his daughter that i should be the one putting in all the effort of our relationship. . So if I don’t call him back because my life gets a little busy than He writes me off and didn’t call me on my birthday. My point to my rambling is that a lot of why we think the way we do is what we were taught. how we were raised. My dad was not an affection man.. but my mom taught me how to love unconditionally.. she gave her whole heart and trusted too much and in the end those things hurt her. and I did the same things she did.. i didn’t know too much trust and love and kindess could come back and bite me in the ass… I wish someone taught me boundaries and balance.. I will remain teachable to anybody so I cam learn how to be a better person, stay kind but have boundaries, and I need to understand that I cant make everyone happy, and to be honest when That all I am doing is people pleasing. I don’t get the respect from the other person than I do now that I am speaking up for what I need to be happy,  ITs a whole new concept for me but Since ending my Marriage of 15 years, Its time for me to do whats best for me